Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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