dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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