Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
