why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
