and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
