you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
