Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
