Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
