***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize