i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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