Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
not ubering you a puppy
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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