Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
