were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
How naked do you want me to be?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
