im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
