I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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