i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
