So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
