at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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