highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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