I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
