he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
