Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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