Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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