I want to walk on stilts...naked
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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