1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
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My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
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Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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