I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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