***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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