Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
