just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
