It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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