i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Randomize
