I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
