There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
