I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
