I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
