look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
