Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
