I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He called his prostate his "boner button".
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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