oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?