She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
