you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
