The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.