I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
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I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
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Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.