Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Randomize
