i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
