I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
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His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
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It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Bring me that man meat
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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