3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
