Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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