I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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