1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Randomize
