Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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