We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
