On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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