so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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