Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
