I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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