all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
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I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
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She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire