I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
