i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
