When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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