I heard we made out
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
