she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
