I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
