Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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